You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
