You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
