If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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