mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
