you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
