Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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