Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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