If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
