I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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