what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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