Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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