I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
