Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
