My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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