he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
