I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
