so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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