Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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