I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I AM VODKA MAN
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
