I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
