would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
