You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
