words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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