I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
