my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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