We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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