just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
