There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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