i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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