i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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