i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
