he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
