I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
