Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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