Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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