Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
