I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
