did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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