First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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