He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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