Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
