if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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