nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
