i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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