I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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