The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
