Do you still have your period?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
