so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
