Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
