He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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