my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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