guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
